so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
