Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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