nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
