just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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