Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
