Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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