Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
