When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
