how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
