The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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