how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
