I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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