he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
