I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Watching her eat just hurts me
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
