Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
