Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
