My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
