my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
