grandma shit on top of the toilet
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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