her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize