I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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