you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
