you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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