a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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