six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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