do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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