yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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