Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
