just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
