I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
