just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
