I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
