Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
smell my finger.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
