I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize