Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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