I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
