if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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