my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
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