Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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