I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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