Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
