Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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