i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Your cock deserves a montage
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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