Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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