I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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