And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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