my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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