I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
