he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My pussy is not your playground.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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