Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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