Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
