Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize