oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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