i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
