SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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