That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
