I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
