Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
