he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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