he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
