i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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