my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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