just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize