I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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