Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
