Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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