are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
