I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
