Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
