the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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