just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
