...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
