my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
