I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
