I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
