I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Pants are for mortals
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
