I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
